Sure, it's fun being idolized worldwide and deriving an income solely for expressing my opinions. But it would be so much better having a doting flock nearby and getting paid handsomely merely for existing (handsomely.)
Cults have taken a bad rap over the last century, and it's entirely unwarranted. Although cultdom got all the negative headlines, the system itself works wonderfully--until bad management kills the golden goofs.
"Oooh, cults, bad," you blubber.
If I put together a youth unit who would have their heads shaven and dress identically to break their individuality, put them through hours on end of grueling physical and emotional hardship until they were willing to kill or even die for a cause, would that be "evil," "satanic" or any of the other adjectives constantly associated with cults?
Oh, really, Osama? Well, go tell it to the Marines...because what I just described is basic training in the Corp, smarty-panties!
If there's a pattern in poor cult management, it's that the head honchos base their entire spiel on flawed premises. Chuckles Manson was
the Hippie Hefner, with 24/7 accesses to drugs and very willing young honeys; and he'd probably still be living out the TRUE American Dream if it weren't for his cockamamie commitment to incite a national race war.
Charles Manson perform his best Axl Rose impersonation
Of course, this brings to mind the guy who actually carried out such a plan, the Berlin Bad Boy, Adolf Hitler. Whether you consider him monster or Messiah is irrelevant at the moment. If you look at the Reich's rise with total objectivity, it's nothing short of astounding what he inspired followers to do upon assembling the most notorious cult in Earth history with the same tried-and-true methods of David Karesh and all the others--approaching a handful of strangers one day and reeling off a ration of hyperbole they bought into.
But the Fuhrer was doomed from the onset, because everyone knows the Itallans are the true master race. Again, a movement undermined by a faulty foundation.
(Though he may have been a screw-up, the Hit Man did get one thing right: He proved beyond any doubt, no matter how "cultured" a society pretends to be, the general pubic are a bunch of animals whose bloodlust knows no bounds.)
I never could comprende the destructive--especially self-destructive--nature of so many high-profile cults. No no no, Jim, you don't throw a lethal Kool Aid party. The Stately Sect dictates that Manormaniacs go forth and multiply...my personal assets. Get out there and find me even more impressionable nymphomaniacs and liquor store owners. "Here's your Thought For The Day. Now contemplate that while working in my mail-order warehouse for the next ten hours."
You get a gaggle of suck, er, I mean enlightened souls willing to do and give you whatever you want, you do everything to enlarge the roster, not reduce it! Others do all the work, you reap all the rewards--now, that's solid management.
Hitler's other big boner was the whole genocide thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm a HIGHLY enthusiastic advocate of the mass extermination of useless beings. But the Duke Of Deutschland blundered big-time by selecting candidates based on ethnicity, sexual preference, religious beliefs and disabilities. In my utopian dream regime, it is death by electrocution for one and only one offense, the vilest crime of all--assholism.
Enjoy attending comedy clubs and letting out rebel yells? Shaved your head and grown a soul patch? Save all your e-mails so you can use it as "evidence" in a petty squabble months later? Explain what a great parent you are while sitting hammered in a shot-and-beer joint at midnight?
Then I'd like to introduce you to the Watts family. No, not Naomi, Charlie or even Cowboy Bill. I mean Kilo and Mega Watts.
This (left) is how "cool" a shaved head and soul patch make you. Any questions?
Do you and your friends dig ridiculing--and maybe even shoving around--someone for "not being one of us"? Regularly leave your fast food trash on the McTable or leisurely toss it out the car window? Wear sunglasses on the top of your head like a man-barrette? Constantly show off how large you're living, yet can't be "bothered" to pay your child support?
That's marvelous. Now if you'll just step into that bucket of water and grab this live wire....
Act all big and bad while hiding behind an online ID? Bzzzzzzzz. Give fire-and-brimstone lectures about morality while lustfully eyeing that six-year-old? Bzzzzzzzz. Get your rocks off creating a computer virus? Bzzzzzzzz.
See, genocide can be your friend--if you'll only let it. Feign indignation if you must, but don't tell me, if you had access to a magic wand capable of making those who deeply offend you simply disappear, you'd never give it a wave.
Or maybe you're the que sera sera type, content to rationalize away every act of assholism, no matter how egregious. It's anarchy in Woodstock, right...dude? Everyone should be free to do whatever pleases them. Let's just sit back and silently tolerate assholiness at every level. After all, it's their right, never mind how it affects anyone else.
Does that pretty well define your take on the whole subject? Yeah? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Hubba Hubba Honey--When teenage Nikki Cox debuted on the Unhappily Ever After sitcom in 1995, she was generally viewed as a knock-off of my then-fiancee Kelly Bundy, what with the new program "remarkably" resembling Married With Children. But you should "generally view" Nikki now. The youngun' done growed up reeeeeeeel good, by crackee--yet the moronic majority continue to prove they're simpletons every time they ignore this breathtaking brunette while gushing idiot platitudes like "Dude, that Kelly Clarkson is smokin'."
The adult Ms. Cox has more curves than a Lemans course; but as oft-stated, it takes more than exceptional looks to become a Hubba Hubba Honey. What's Nikki's in? Although we've never actually met, the darling is CRAZY about me!!!
Just where does the proof lie? Let's examine her career history.
*Has a name right out of Porn Star Central Casting and steadfastly sticks to it, knowing my affection for the topless arts.
*After After, her next sitcom (entitled Nikki by those ultracreative network-types!) featured Guess Who as a woman wed to a pro wrestler. Clearly, this was the sweetie's thinly veiled message that she desires to shack up with a prominent pro wrestling columnist...and I just happen to be the Sultan Of Insultin' in that very profession.
*She was reportedly engaged to interesting weirdo Bobcat Goldthwait. Translation: has an affinity for kooks.
*The shapely sheila carefully continues to avoid blockbuster success, undoubtedly paralyzed with fear the industry's covert caste system could drive a wedge between us.
*Went from a basic TV teen to adulthood without once sticking up a 7-11, brandishing a firearm in a crowded gin joint or totaling a car while totaled herself. In other words, she sacrificed all that great fun just to remain free of distractions, should I eventually decide to ring her up. Wow, imagine how many nights in the pre-cell era the devoted doll must have spent camped by the telephone and refusing to leave the house!
Further evidence? We psychically connect. She Who Lasciviously Redefines "Nikk At Nite" utters her first line in Run Ronnie Run while standing by a pool--at which point, viewer Manor cooed, "Oh, please wind up drenched, your magnificence glistening in a minute bikini"...and she DID! Furthermore...well, I don't really have to spell out the symbolism of Nikki getting wet for me, do I?
So, there she sits, sexy, stuck on Stately, smart and scintillating, yet absurdly overlooked by the baboons constantly compiling Who's Hot? lists and the like. Instead, we open newspapers and find dimwitted drivel such as this:
"Larry King has to be one of the biggest celebrity bootlickers of all time."--Stately Wayne Manor
What's that? When you need a credible commentator on the history of comedy films, you turn to Larry King? And you're saying that with a straight face? Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
the Hippie Hefner, with 24/7 accesses to drugs and very willing young honeys; and he'd probably still be living out the TRUE American Dream if it weren't for his cockamamie commitment to incite a national race war. 
Enjoy attending comedy clubs and letting out rebel yells? Shaved your head and grown a soul patch? Save all your e-mails so you can use it as "evidence" in a petty squabble months later? Explain what a great parent you are while sitting hammered in a shot-and-beer joint at midnight?
