As a "heel" (pro-villain) wrestling character, my role is to do and say whatever I can to irritate the sport's goody-goody supporters.  In other words, just be myself.

In addition to the standard means of grating, some masters such as the brilliant Kevin Sullivan will supercharge their offensiveness by coming across as gleefully deranged, delighted to be deemed "sick" by the repulsed ringsiders.  Difficult to believe though this may be, many mat enthusiasts familiar with my wrestling mag columns consider SWManor a teensy bit emotionally unstable.

Just because I write lines such as "Jesus couldn't hold a candle to me.  If he tried, it would fall through the holes in his hands," they've somehow gotten the notion I'm not as normal as the next guy.  Imagine that (...and wait until these grap nuts wander out of the wrestling wing of my website and start reading the On Manor's Mind archives!)

Naturally, someone like myself can't be satisfied with causing consternation amongst only the wrestling audience.  The WHOLE WORLD deserves targeting, not just those backing the bonebending biz.  Of course, a slight adjustment has to be made, being there's no ring and microphone away from the arena.  Still, the experienced provocateur finds a way to inflame, my personal favorite being the general public announcement, often to no one in particular.

Here's an introductory lesson in Ways To Thoroughly Creep Strangers Out 101.

*Keep staring at a girl's fingers, then finally go, "Wow, what amazing hands.  I bet they'd saw off beautifully!"

*To someone just returning to their seat in a bar or restaurant, after they sip their beverage:  "Does that drink taste okay?"  Not metallic or anything?"; as soon as they confirm, add, "Good, because I just cleaned my foreskin ring in it."

*Upon a radio or TV newscast regarding a missing person:  "They're never going to find the body the way they're going...They're not even close to where we buried it."

*"Just got back from the SPCA.  Got two for grilling and one to sacrifice to Satan."

*"You know what tastes just like chicken?  The flesh of a twelve-year-old."

*Faking cell phone conversation, enter convenience store, stand by counter but look around, and speak loud enough for the clerk to hear:  "Looks like just one counter....No bullet-proof vest on the cashier....Okay, come around in about five minutes," then walk out, pretending to be obscuring your face from the security cameras.

*"These celebrities never look as good in person...at least as far as the ones I've seen through my rifle scope."

*"Do you know any good place around here to ditch a bloody knife?"

*At eatery:  "This is WAY better than the chow they serve on Death Row!"

*Sometimes I really regret loosening the linkage on Dale Senior's car."

*"If I ever hit the lottery, I'm devoting the entire jackpot to producing my own line of kiddie porn."

*"The Ten Commandments say 'Thou Shalt not kill,' but they don't say it's a sin to rape or torture, now do they?"

*"If you do it just right, you can flip someone else's moving car at only fifteen miles per hour.  (glance out at parking lot)  At least, any of those cars, heh heh heh."

*"Just about anybody can be suffocated in their sleep--that's what ol' Charlie used to teach us at the Spahn Ranch."

*"What man could resist humping Marilyn Monroe, with her lying there totally naked on that autopsy table?

*"Can you believe the judge took my daughter's word over mine at the molestation trial?!?"

*"Have you seen what they're charging online these days for soiled panties?"

*"If you're horny and can't find a hooker, you ought to try 'doing it' with macaroni and cheese."

*"Robbing a grave is A LOT harder than it looks in the movies."

*"Runaways are the best.  They won't call the cops no matter what they find in your basement."

*"Overpopulation wouldn't be a problem...if they'd only reopen those concentration camps."

*"I've tried everywhere, but can't find a single store selling bobblehead dolls of John Wayne Gacy."

*(while standing very close to others)  "I wonder what my doctor meant when he said 'extremely communicable'."

 

How's this for the most obvious attempt to make an alligator shoe out of alligator poo?  Although Scary Movie 2 failed to get much positive feedback upon release, the hucksters at Dimension Films still felt obligated to run the standard critics' quotes-filled newspaper ads.  But what do you do if the reviews haven't exactly been raving?  Quote them anyway!

In a shameless ploy to kill space, virtually the entire left side of the ad told us "It's inspired by...," followed by a list of eight movies, "CBS' Survivor, NBC's The Weakest Link and Firestone's collapsible tires"--a ridiculous 31 WORDS in total.  

Another quote informed readers, "If you liked Scary Movie, chances are you'll like Scary Movie 2."  Chances are?  Wow, that's truly a ringing endorsement!  And, pssst, did you notice how neither blurb actually recommended the movie?

While we're handing out wrist slaps, let's not ignore Jack Mathews, the author of the "inspired by" blabbathon.  A 31-word role call--including the extraordinarily superfluous namedropping of the TV series' networks--brings one journalistic phrase immediately to mind--"paid by the inch."  Suspiciously enough, the columnist's paper is identified only as the Daily News, no city specified.  This being published during a year wherein one major studio got busted for making up their ad quotes, a generic name like Jack Mathews, no city of origin...say, you don't think...nah, "chances are" the windy quote is authentic.

 

Hubba Hubba Honeys:  These many decades after the Golden Age of buxom blonde bombshells, Marilyn Monroe remains the undisputed icon of the era, while Jayne Mansfield continues to get a respectable amount of media attention, due in great part to the proliferation of "screen profile" TV programming over the past few years.

Fellow junkfilm junkies are well aware of the aging-disgracefully Mamie Van Doren's presence in the bosomy blonde hierarchy, but after the aforementioned trio of peroxided pulchritude, most would be hard-pressed to name three more.  

You'll occasionally stumble upon an Irish McCalla--who added a whole lot of she to the highly recommended She Demons--or a Joi Lansing, but this process of discovery is more a happy accident than anything else.  Sad to say, the bountiful blondes outside of the Marilyn/Jayne/Mamie triumvirate have faded so far into obscurity, their names have become near-mythical.

Sure, you may have heard of Diana Dors, but your sole knowledge of the bodacious Brit comes from seeing a photo in an obscure-movie reference book and learning she was quite the presence in a few forgotten mopics--and it's not like you can go, ""Hey, how about that Diana Dors?" at the local taproom and draw anything but blank stares.

That "a few references in movie books" route is how I became familiar with this issue's Honey.  Truth be told, a gushing (and rightly so) review of Screaming Mimi (1958) inspired me to seek out the tape, not any particular interest in the leading lady.  After all, Anita Ekberg was just another in a long line of stunning Image Swedes imported into Tinseltown to serve as saucy set decorations until the Warholian 15 minutes were up, right?

Anita profiles in Mimi-->

WRONG.

 

Take it from a world-class sucker for beautiful babes, and a holder of several degrees on the subject, Anita Ekberg remains one of the most gasp-inducing women ever to step in front of a camera of any kind--and she had genuine acting ability!  Granted, detractors might whimper, "She always played sexpots, which was hardly a stretch."  To these lunkheads, I reply:  With looks like Anita's, no one was going to buy her in Granny Clampett-type roles.  Do you diss Don Knotts for never playing James Bond or Superman?  Well...then...just shut up.

Image Exquisite Eckberg may have been constantly cast as a knockout, but she did have range, appearing in everything from artsy Fellini flicks to mainstream comedies such as 4 For Texas (1963).  That's right, Anita starred in a movie with the ULTIMATE super(role)models, The Three Stooges.  Even a plain Jane deserves elevation to Godess status if she's got that screen credit on her resume!  So, you start carving statues of Anita to be placed outside every City Hall in the Free World; I'll begin lobbying Congress to name Sweden the 51st state.

 

 

And this isn't even a particularly good picture of her!