If you sort through back issues of this journal or the archives at www.brutarian.com, it's only natural to make seeking out On Manor's Mind your top priority.  But, although eyeing all those masterpieces one after the other is like going to the Louvre without having to smell the French, one may somehow get the misleading impression Messiah Manor is up to his dazzling blue eyes in cynicism.  "Bird seed!" if I may quote the shocking expletive used by Tony Bennett in The Oscar.

Okay, I'll admit to possessing a degree of skepticism.  (Yeah, like we're really supposed to fall for that "Oranges grow on trees" baloney.)  That, nonetheless, doesn't mean I don't believe in anything.  In fact, to dispel such notions of Statelian cynicism, I've drawn up the following list.

I truly believe, with his long streak of wildly popular records since "Modern Love" and incredibly prolific output, David Bowie is worth hundreds of millions.  After all, he's never been known to manipulate the media.  I also believe all the Loveline questions are legitimate queries from the sincerely concerned, not the product of wiseguys fabricating the goofiest nonsense they can, in hopes of seeing the fruit of their pranks on TV.  

I believe:  Private Parts' portrayal of Howard Stern couldn't possibly have been a total scam; landscape painting is just as easy as it looks on those instructional programs; and, acquaintances really care about my well-being when they ask "How ya doing?" while walking by without stopping to hear the answer.  

I believe:  it's much more efficient to click through dozens of pages of a company's website than to phone their toll-free number and simply ask "Do you carry such-and-such?"; it's not the least bit patronizing to be called "big guy" or "boss," particularly when it comes from someone who's on a tip-oriented job; and, when you deal with him on a multimillion dollar contract during a board meeting, Dave from Wendy's is a laid-back, semi-comic figure just like he is on his TV ads.

I believe:  a pierced eyebrow is fine 'cause nobody would ever consider it a neon-sign huge target in the event a fight broke out; and, the fancy mansions, cars and babes surrounding performers on music videos are really theirs, not just rented by the hour.  I believe it whenever a product has "new and improved" on the label.

I believe:  the most revered master of kung fu and all things Eastern is indeed David Carradine; years from now we'll view clips of Scott Weiland's "dancing" in awe-struck respect, not for comic relief; people with eyeglasses are smarter than those without; and, there's such a thing as a "brilliant" play and an "important" game.  

I believe:  those same eight guys who appear in every American porn pic epitomize what women consider the apex of desirability, as evidenced by the gals' eagerness to skip right over dating, seduction or even foreplay; Hollywood celebs who turn up at prime Lakers' games are also there for the untelelevised contests; and, my $1.99 "vote" programs what's played on The Box.

I believe:  every superlative-laced capsule I read on rental video boxes; and, a nationally advertised product is better than a generic one, even if contains but one ingredient (e.g. salt or aspirin.)  I also believe:  students enroll in med school strictly because they love helping people; and, convicted murderers are sincere when they express profound remorse while standing before the sentencing judge.

I believe:  a kid named Roach, Guitar or Windstorm will grow up well-adjusted and free from taunts by the other little angels; car dealers sell new vehicles at "one dollar over factory invoice"; and, there's a pro wrestling rulebook the bad guys disregard.

I believe:  vibrant young beauties marry ancient millionaires purely for love; and everyone who ever joined a police force did so "to protect and serve," not to boss people around, drive at excessive speeds and pack a pistol all legal like.  I believe those righteous individuals who take up a cause du jour (e.g. Tibet, Mumia) did extensive personal research, objectively examining every side of each issue before backing the group that by pure coincidence just happens to be fashionable.

I believe:  McDonald's remains in business because they "love to see you smile."  I believe:  Real World lives up to its name.  humble acceptance speeches; the five-dollar charge for "postage and handling" on a CD or T-shirt just barely covers the merchant's expenses; and, the animal has a pretty sporting chance in a bullfight.

So what gave you the idea I can be cynical?

A few more inches of Extraordinary Insight:  This is an actual quote from the print ad:  "'I went bananas for this smart sleeper about stupids, so take the money and run to see "Small Time Crooks."'--Gene Shalit, Today, NBC-TV."  Can you imagine being so utterly shameless--on a national level, no less?!?...Hey, did you ever try this:  Meet a fellow ho, go back to his/her place and, when they're sound asleep, wet the bed--on their side?...The reason horsey Joan Rivers and her equally equine daughter have any room to criticize the way other people look is ______--ooooooh, no, wait, don't tell me; I know this one....When in a bar or restaurant I won't be revisiting and am about to leave, I like to wait until a couple arrives, then go up to them all teary-eyed and cry, "I can't believe you're not only cheating on me, but you even came to our special place" before storming out....Gone-Hollywood dunderhead Drew Barrymore was in a film entitled "Never Been Kissed"--which begged the questions, "Oh, yeah?  Where?"...Here's a novel idea:  a rap video where they DON'T use that f'n ground-level camera....Let me bite into this cooked chicken.  Say, it tastes just like snake!...Saw a sign on a diner door that read "Breakfast anytime," so I told the waitress "I'll have French Toast while I steal a Steven Wright routine."...How despicably fraudulent it is for top-level fitness fillies to have implants?  "If you want to look like this, eat right, exercise daily, get plenty of rest--and give a surgeon 7000 bucks."  Seems to me, buying a bod contradicts every single premise of what they preach....Isn't someone "most qualified" for financial assistance, the least in need of it?

HUBBA HUBBA HONEYS:  Due to my involvement in martial arts magazines way back when, I "discovered" Jackie Chan before 90-plus percent of the populace.  In fact, I can remember being the only ofay in the theater when The Big Brawl debuted.

As far as Bruce Lee goes, I've been staring back at a pair of Lee lithographs on my bedroom wall for about twenty years; and, I've decided, if I ever got a tattoo, the design would likely be the symbol of Lee's jeet kune do.  Nuff said?

Everybody's heard of Chan and Lee.  Well, now it's time you got acquainted with Chen and Lee, another pair of Asian sensations who, by eerie coincidence, happen to share the same profession, just like their masculine counterparts.  These women are also known for being particularly dangerous with a stick in hand,  A cue stick, that is.

Jennifer Chan and Jeanette Lee are world-class 9-ball (pool) shooters...and this issue's Honeys.  Chan packs an A-1 can; and in a biz where the participants are most often bent over at a 90-degree angle, that means so very much to us lechers.  Even if I weren't The Only Guy On The Planet Who Doesn't Think He's A Master Pool Player and Jennifer not a pro, there's no way such a delightful distraction wouldn't lead to the miss massacring me at a table.  But I'd be the happiest "loser" in town!

Then there's the lovely Ms. Lee.  Wawawawawawawow, is Jeanette a full-on fantasy femme.  Not only is she long and lean, sleek and chic, and slender and tender, not to mention pretty and gritty; but she's also a champion in this sport.  The only hitch I see in her overall package is that detrimental piece of metal wrapped around her third finger, left hand.  But, she hasn't met me yet; and, once she does, she'll no doubt kick hubby to the curve.  After all, mine is The Face That Launched A Thousand Divorces.

<J-Lee  

      JenChen>